Beastly Callings
by darkalbino
Summary: When a creepy dark man finds Naruto in an unpleasant predicament, Naruto agrees to let him stay at his house in exchange for a little help. But what Naruto doesn't know is that this man, Sasuke, has a very strange, unexpected secret. SasuNaru
1. Freaky People

**Title: Beastly Callings**

**Rating: Must be an M**

**Author: darkalbino, illi, me (me, myself, and I)**

**I know the title and summary SOUND serious, but trust me, this ISN'T a very serious story, AT ALL. Alright this story is going to have a plot...kinda, more humor (much more) than in most of my other stories (especially GTTWS), of course some romance between our favorite couple and slight drama, not really. and at some points, if not most, characters will definitely be OOC, sorry, but that's just the way the gears are cranking in my head for this one. anyway, I do hope everyone enjoys, because I **_**live**_** for feedback.**

**and if I don't get reviews, they (points to Naruto and Sasuke) don't get to screw.**

**Sasuke: Hahaha, that's a good one**

**illi: nope, I'm pretty damn serious**

**Sasuke: psh, you can't force us not to have sex**

**illi: I can do whatever the hell I want! I'm the fucking writer!**

**Sasuke: (snort) **

**illi: okay then you little emo prick (pulls out pen and paper) **

**"And Sasuke came out in a frilly pink tutu adorned with large white bows..."**

**Sasuke: O.o WTF ARE YOU DOING?!**

**illi: "that smelled of **_**sakura**_** flowers..."**

**Sasuke: NO!**

**illi: "only to be molested in an unspeakable manner by an eager green clad ninja..."**

**Sasuke: OH GOD **_**STOP**_

**illi: "while said green clad ninja's instructor watched and recorded the unfolding scene--"**

**Sasuke: FUCK! OKAY! YOU WIN! JUST **_**STOP**_

**illi: (grin) thought so**

**Summary: When a creepy dark man finds Naruto in an unpleasant predicament, Naruto agrees to let him stay at his house in exchange for a little help. But what Naruto **_**doesn't**_** know is that this man, Sasuke, has a very strange, unexpected secret. like a WTF?! kinda secret, SasuNaru**

**Warnings: meh, if you don't like silly stuff, bad language, lemon(s?) or...Gaara trying to open cookie jars, then leave.**

**Disclaimer: If I didn't not own Naruto I would totally not not make sasuke and naruto screw each other like rabbits, but since I don't not not own the show nor the characters the fact that I wouldn't not make them fuck the life out of each other is a dream of mine that has yet to be realized. haha, wrap THAT around your head kishimoto!!!**

**XXXBeastly CallingsXXX**

**Chapter 1: Freaky People**

Etsu continued tapping his fingers rythmatically on the table as Malakai stormed in through the front door. He stared unamusedly at the large, but extremely stupid young man with ragged brown hair and matching eyes.

Etsu paused in his actions and leaned back on the couch, lacing his fingers on his stomach as he watched Malakai take a seat on the table in front of him, who was giving him a blank look.

Etsu's brows crumpled, "Well?"

Malakai blinked, "Well...well what?"

Etsu groaned and combed his fingers through his long black hair, "Tell me he didn't say 'no' again."

"He didn't say no again."

He jumped and his face brightened, "He said yes?!"

The brunette looked confused, "No."

Etsu raised a brow before the sound of a flushing toilet caused his smoky grey eyes to avert in the direction of the bathroom, from which a slender red haired man stepped out. The red head, Brice, dusted off his front and stared at the other two, "What? Can't a guy take piss?"

Etsu scoffed at him and turned his attention back to the brunette, "Then _why_ did you just tell me he _didn't_ say no?!"

"Because you told me to."

The raven growled and smacked Malakai upside the head, "What did he say?! _Yes_ or _no_?!"

Malakai brought a hand to the abused spot on his head, "Owww...he said 'no', and he also said, if you're that desperate, there's a shop downtown that sells vibrators."

Etsu's eyes darkened, "Did he now?"

"Oh yeah, he said there were all types of colors!" He looked at his hand and began counting the fingers, "Red, blue, green, pink--"

Etsu hit him again, "I don't give a fuck _how_ many different colors they sell!...Besides, I already have all those colors...but this does pose a problem for me."

Brice strode up behind Etsu and placed a hand on his shoulder, "What should we do about it?"

The dark man eyed the palm next to him, "Brice..."

"Yes?"

"Please tell me you washed you washed your hands."

Brice flinched, "Uh...um...whoops."

Etsu made a disgusted noise and shrugged the hand off, "Go wash them you fucking pig, after, get ready to leave, both of you."

Brice hung his head down and slowly walked back to the bathroom, "Yes sir..."

Malakai snickered and glanced up at the raven leader, "Where are we going?"

Etsu smirked and placed his hands on his hips, "Right after I change out of this dirty clothes and set it to burn, we're going to pay our little blonde friend a visit, perhaps we can coax him into changing his mind."

**XXXSmutXXX**

"Hey hey hey! What-what the hell do you think you're doing?! Don't _tie_ that!" Naruto yelled with frustration as Malakai tied the other end of the rope to the tree branch, leaving Naruto to dangle there helplessly. The blonde struggled against the rope wrapped around his arms and upper body, but his efforts were futile. He glared at Etsu with pure hatred in his eyes, "What the fuck is _wrong_ with you people?! Coming to my house, knocking me out, driving me miles away to the middle of some damn forest and _tying_ me here! I could have all your asses _arrested_ for this!"

Etsu placed a finger under his chin and closed his eyes with a smile, "Now honestly Naruto, it's your own fault, that's _twice_ now that you've rejected my invitation to spend the night together."

Malakai shoved two fingers in front of Naruto's face, "Yeah, not just _twice_ but TWO times!"

Naruto raised a brow and glanced at Etsu, "No, seriously, does he pretend or is he really that stupid?"

"Sadly yes, he is. Now then, I'm offering you one last chance, would you care to spend the night with me?"

"Etsu, I would sooner fuck an eighty year old woman, and I'm into guys." he had to bite his lip from laughing as a look of pure offense crossed the raven's features.

"Fine then, have it your way, you'll just stay there as punishment. If I can't have you, no one will."

Naruto rolled his eyes, it wasn't that he _minded_ sleeping with Etsu. On the contrary, both he _and_ his lackeys were extremely good looking to the bangable point. Hell, he'd have a fucking foursome with them if they weren't all such assholes, "C'mon now, I may be far away but do you really think my friends won't come looking for me?"

Etsu chuckled, "It just so happens that at this very moment, Brice is leaving a letter at your house stating that you've gone away on a trip to visit your sick grandmother and are not sure when you will return."

Naruto stared at him, "...I don't _have_ a grandmother."

Etsu's stance faltered a bit, 'Well...you are not a liar so they'll believe it anyway! Don't poke holes in my evil plan!"

Naruto looked to his side, "Some evil plan, don't even know shit about your own victim..."

The raven's fist balled at his sides, "Be quiet! It doesn't matter anyway! If they do figure out it's a lie it won't matter, because by that time you'll be gone!"

"Yeah, yeah, someone will find me Etsu, all I have to do is yell."

Etsu regained his composure and put on a small smile, "It's not that simple dear Naruto, in fact, I would be most surprised if you even survived tonight."

Naruto flinched and looked up at the dark sky littered with stars, then back at Etsu, "Why is that?"

"Haven't you heard the rumors? Why do you think we picked _this_ forest?"

"Do I look like a fucking gossip girl to you? I don't sit around coffee houses talking about other people's lives all day you know. You three are a real big bucket of bitch, you know that?"

"You're testing my patience, but if you haven't heard, there's supposed to be some sort of animal roaming around this forest in the middle of the night. And not just any _normal_ animal, it's something beastly that tears the flesh clean off the bones if it's prey without leaving so much as a drip of blood."

The blonde sneered at him, "You've got to be shitting me, so just because some thing that's probably just some rabid dog or an Indian or something--"

"It's not a _fucking_ Indian!"

Naruto made an annoyed sound, "I'm sorry, what I meant to say was _Native American_. The point is, it's _something_ that's actually _nothing_ that you and all your little coffee house friends made into something fearsome to put some excitement in your boring, lame, _sex_ deprived lives."

"Well who's fault _is_ it that I'm not having sex?!"

"_Etsu_! Just go buy yourself a fucking hooker and leave me the hell alone!"

"Oh I _am_ going to leave you alone, _all_ alone, out here, in the middle of nowhere, where you'll be eaten alive and regret the day you turned me down."

"Shove it up your ass!"

"You had that chance!" he leaned forward with a smile and grabbed Naruto's chin, crushing their mouths together.

The blonde's eyes widened a little before he growled and bit down harshly on the other's bottom lip, causing Etsu to cry out in pain and release him, but that irritable smile stayed as he wiped a trickle of blood from the wound, "But now that chance is gone, maybe you'll make better decisions in the next life." he laughed and turned to walk away, Malakai trailing behind him obediently. The tied up man watched with fiery anger as they both stepped into their car and sped away.

Five minutes later...

"Those fucking bastards! I'm suing all of them! Wait...I don't have that much money...Neji will sue them for me! They'll go to jail and Etsu can get fucked as many times as his pale ass can take and more! You hear me Etsu?! I hope you get you raped until Satan himself feels sorry for you! I hope you get mono, herpes, AIDS _and_ gonorrhea! you fucking pail of pussy! I hope you--"

Five more minutes later, ADD kicks in...

"Damn...I'm hungry...and I think I have to piss...how long have I been hanging here? Why the hell hasn't anyone _found_ me yet? I'm a fucking _person_ hanging from a fucking _tree_! How are you not going to notice a--" his words died on his tongue when he heard the sound of rustling bushes. He paused and stared at the jumble of leaves with uncertainty, "Um...hello? Someone there?" his mouth hung open slightly when a tall, slim, shadowed figure stepped out from behind the brush.

Naruto's face brightened up, _'Finally!'_ "Hey! Hey Miss! Over here!" he whistled, "Hey lady! Over here! Could you give me some help?"

The shadow paused and seemed to turn it's head in his direction.

Naruto nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah yeah! Me! Could you help please? It would really mean a lot to me ma'am!"

The figure stood erect and slowly strided over to the hanging blonde, and Naruto's jaw went slack when the other stepped into the moonlight, revealing that it was actually a guy. The man had sharp features and dark eyes with even darker hair, long bangs that framed his face set in pale skin and adorned with a small smile, "Surely you're not speaking to _me_, I am no woman."

Naruto blushed from embarrassment, "Uh...sorry, about that, you're just so thin and you looked--ah! Never mind! Look, can you just untie me please?"

"Why are you tied up in the first place?"

"These assholes that I know knocked me out and tied me up out here so some stupid animal that probably doesn't even exist could eat me or something." he raised a blonde brow, "Why are you out here so late at night anyway?"

The man shrugged, "I'm a drifter, don't stay in one place. So, what's your name?"

"Look, I would love to hang around here and chat with you, but actually, I _wouldn't_, so could you let me down so I can get a ride and go home?"

The other crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side, "I don't know...I think I rather like you in that position, it's quite funny."

Naruto's eyes popped out in disbelief. Of course, of _course _the guy who finds him is going to be a complete jackass, why did he even bother to get his hopes up? "Ugh...okay, how about we do a trade off here? You know, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours?"

The man smirked, "My back's not itchy."

"Don't be a smartass! A _favor_! Untie me and I'll do something for you in return."

"I won't "deal" with you until I know your name, mine is Sasuke, and you are?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, why was the guy so damn complicated? Why couldn't he just untie him and be done with it? "Naruto, my name's Naruto, now quit acting like you have a pole shoved up your ass and help me."

"Not very kind words for someone you want help from."

"Okay, _please_ stop acting like you have a pole shoved up your ass and help me."

Sasuke snorted and crossed one foot behind the other, closing his eyes, "And what do I get if I help you out of this humorous situation?"

Naruto blinked, "I don't know, what do you want?"

The raven slid a finger back and forth beneath his chin before opening his eyes and staring at the blonde, "...You let me stay at your house for a while, and I'll get you down."

Naruto sputtered, "St-stay at my...what the hell is _wrong_ with you? You can't stay at my house! I don't even know who the hell you are! I just met you!"

He looked up, "My name is Sasuke Uchiha, I'm 25, and I'm a drifter, there, it's like we've been friends for years."

"The fuck it is! You can't stay with me!"

Sasuke frowned slightly and cocked his head before turning around, "Okay then, nice meeting you, bye now."

Naruto panicked, "No no! W-wait! Uh--I-I'm Naruto Uzumaki, I'm 23 and I work for my friend at his office! Look! Hahaha it's-it's like we're best friends already! And best friends help each other! Oh God please don't go! You can stay! You can stay you can stay stay stay!! STAY HERE DAMNIT! DON'T LEAVE!" he yelled frantically, barely aware of the words flying from his mouth.

Sasuke smiled and spun back around, "I can stay with you, correct?"

Naruto nodded, "Yes."

"I have your word?"

_'Damnit!' "_...Yes..."

Sasuke chuckled, "Alright then, we have a deal." Before Naruto even knew what was happening, Sasuke had swiped a hand over Naruto's head and cut the rope in one clean sweep, the blonde only catching a glimpse of something shiny retreating behind the raven's back.

He felt the gears in his head start to turn, _'Oh...shit...'_ he slowly wriggled out of the ropes, keeping his eyes on the other man, _'He's creepy...dark...and has a knife...I just made a deal with a fucking murderer!'_ he stood up cautiously, a nervous smile plastered on his face, "Hahaha, yeah, uh...thanks."

"No problem, as long as you hold up your end."

"Yeah...yeah, sure um..." he fiddled with his shirt, he needed to distract this guy somehow and make a break for it. The road wasn't too far away, he'd heard two or three cars pass by earlier, and he could probably get a ride if he was quick about it.

"Hey, are you all right?"

Naruto flinched and looked at the man, "Yeah, I'm good, just thinking." Well, there wasn't anything around here that could keep Sasuke's attention long enough for him to run...so Naruto would just have to wing it and make something up. The blonde abruptly pointed a finger in the direction behind Sasuke and bellowed out, "Look! A distraction!" he blinked with surprise once when the other actually _looked_, and then made a break for it in the other direction.

He didn't go ten steps before he bumped into something solid that knocked him back, looking up and locking gazes with the same man he had just tried to trick. Naruto's jaw dropped as he stared at the other, "Wait...how did you..." he glanced behind him at the now empty space where Sasuke stood mere seconds ago and then back at the raven, "How the hell did you do that?" he kept flicking his eyes back and forth confusedly between the two spots. There was no way on earth Sasuke could have gotten in front of him so quickly, _especially_ without Naruto noticing him pass by, "What the fuck _are_ you? A track star? How the hell did you get in front me like that?"

"I think the more important question is, why were you trying to go back to the road _without_ me?"

The blonde stilled, he had forgotten who he was speaking to. This guy had a weapon, and it wouldn't be very smart to get on his bad side, especially now that Naruto knew he couldn't outrun him, "Um..._without_ you? No man! I wasn't trying to leave without you!"

"You tried to distract me."

"Pft, I did not."

"I believe your exact were 'Look. A _distraction_.' am I right?"

"Well...uh, yeah, but that was--"

"I can't believe you actually said that, you're a real idiot aren't you?"

Naruto's nervousness suddenly faded at the insult and offensive anger seared up, "Well who's more of an idiot? The guy who _said_ it, or the guy who _fell_ for it?"

Sasuke's jaw tightened, he spun around and began walking away, "Just shut up and let's go, we won't get anywhere if we stand around here arguing."

Naruto huffed and stomped behind him.

A few minutes later, they were at the road, which as Naruto had predicted, hadn't been too far. The blonde glanced at his companion for a moment before stepping closer to the street and holding out his thumb while placing his other hand on his hip.

Four minutes and seven cars later, they were still standing there, and Naruto still looked like an idiot holding his thumb out to nothing. Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Do you honestly believe someone's going to stop if you keep doing that? Would _you_ stop for someone if they were doing that?"

Naruto sneered at him and shoved him back, "It's _your_ fault! If you weren't so damn dark and intimidating, I could've gotten a car a long time ago! If you hadn't shown up I could've been home by now!"

"But no one would've gotten you down from the tree, stupid."

Naruto growled and shoved him again, back until he was hidden behind the trees, "You're scaring them, _that's_ what wrong! Stay here until someone stops and I'll come and get you."

"Will you now?"

The blonde flinched but didn't answer, instead choosing to ignore him and go back to the road. This time, he didn't hold out his thumb like a "special person", oh no, he _yelled_ like a "special person" at every car that passed by, "HEY STOP!! WAIT! I--I MEAN _WE_ NEED A RIDE! C'MON! DON'T BE AN ASSWIPE!" he groaned and balled his fists at his side, "Fuck..."

A pair of headlights approaching caught his attention, and he held up his arms slowly and began waving them back and forth at the car, "HEY! I NEED A RIDE!" he paused with surprise when the vehicle actually seemed to be slowing down until it stopped in front of him.

Naruto let out an excited yelp and jumped forward a few steps, but he stilled and looked behind him when he heard Sasuke call out to him. The raven was standing visibly in front of the trees staring at the blonde with one eyebrow raised. Naruto coughed and gave him a small and hopefully, reassuring smile before putting a hand on top of the car.

The passenger side window rolled down to reveal a thin, raggy looking man in the driver's seat. The brunette gave Naruto a toothy grin and leaned forward to speak to him, "Hey blondie, I'm Nai, what can I do for you?" his breath reeked of booze. Nai jumped when Naruto suddenly lurched the top half of his body into the car and gripped the door with his tan hands, "Look man, I'll give you twenty bucks if you take me to 152nd street and ditch the guy standing there in the woods." his voice held desperation, like a drug dealer trying to make a quick sell to a stranger.

Nai narrowed his brown, sunken eyes and leaned back to get catch a glimpse of the man the other guy was talking about, when he did see him, he slowly leaned forward again and stared at Naruto, "...Make it thirty bucks."

"Twenty-five."

"_Fifteen_!"

Naruto quirked a blonde brow, "Fif...o-okay! Fine, whatever, you win, let's just go!"

"Hehe, yes." Nai muttered, like he'd just made the smartest bargain of his life.

Naruto pulled his body out of the window and grabbed the door handle, but he stopped, "Wait a minute." _'Let me think here...do I go with the potentially violent drunk that could get me killed in a car crash...or stay with the weird, knife wielding guy who could be a murderer...both are like shit choices...'_

Okay, quick meeting in Naruto's head.

Drunk: 51

Weird guy: 49

Naruto smiled and shrugged, "Well, it was close." just as he was about to pull at the handle, a hand landed on his shoulder. He gasped and slowly turned his body so his back was against the car, feeling all the color drain from his face as he was met with Sasuke's bottomless black gaze. He gulped with slight fear, "Um...hehehe, h-hey there...buddy."

Sasuke smirked, "Buddy, yes. Naruto, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to back out of our deal and leave me here."

Naruto sputtered and began laughing nervously, and _very_ loudly, "_L-leave_ you? Naw man, of _course_ not! Wh-why would I do something like that? That's just _mean_! That's, that's _crazy_! I would _never_ do something so--whoa! Holy _shit_! What the hell is THAT?!" he pointed a finger behind Sasuke's head but the raven merely scoffed and frowned at him, "You can't honestly expect me to fall for the same thing twice."

Naruto's finger went limp and he looked down, "You're right, I'm sorry, I just--" he didn't finish his sentence as he brought a leg up and kicked Sasuke to the ground with one powerful shove of his foot.

When the raven was down and disoriented, he shoved his upper body back inside the car through the window and yelled frantically at Nai, "GO! FLOOR IT! DRIVE _NOW_ DAMNIT! _NOW_! _GO_!!"

Nai's eyes widened from panic before he slammed his foot down on the accelerator and caused the car to rocket forward with an unpleasant screech of rubber against pavement.

Naruto, who still had his ass and legs hanging out the window of the vehicle, "oofed!' as his side made painful contact with the edge of the door when the car lurched forward. He gritted his teeth and grabbed the leather passenger seat for support before grinning at Nai, "Ha, thanks dude, we lost him."

"Oh did you now?"

Naruto paled for the second time that night when he heard that voice, "You've...gotta be shitting me." he grunted as he pulled himself forward a bit to peek over the seat into the back, and sure enough, Sasuke was sitting back there with one leg crossed over the other and his hands placed together over his knee with a smirk on his face. He chuckled, "You're not very good about keeping your deals, are you?"

Naruto's jaw dropped, "How the _fuck_ did you get in here? You were on the _floor_ for Christ's sake!"

Sasuke snorted, "First I want to know why you kept trying to leave me behind. Tell me, have I given you reason not to trust me? All I did was cut you down from that tree and save your idiotic ass."

Naruto frowned, "Well...no, but...hey wait a minute! I am _not_ an idiot!"

The raven snickered, "Says the one who has his ass hanging out the window of a car."

Naruto blushed, "You're a real asswipe! You know that?!"

Nai slammed a hand on the steering wheel, "Excuse me, but I want _both_ of your crazy asses OUT of my car, so tell me where the fuck I need to go!"

Naruto looked at him, "152nd street, by Luna Square."

Nai breathed heavily to try and clear his spinning head, "Okay, and do you plan to go the whole way with your butt hanging out?"

Naruto groaned and gripped the seat harder, 'Well I kinda need a little HELP."

Nai glanced at him before looking back at the road, "I'm already in a bad state to drive so don't look at me for help."

Naruto's lips pulled down at the corners and he risked a look at Sasuke, replacing his frown with a small smile, "Hey buddy."

Sasuke laughed and smiled back, "Sorry, one deal a night is my limit, and I prefer entertainment to being bored."

"Fuck you."

"I think I'd enjoy watching this more."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**And that's the first...fucked up chapter for "Beastly Callings", more fucked up chapters to come depending on my reviews!! peace out cheeps!**

**BTW: **

**Etsu, Malakai and Brice (who is usually sanitary) are all my characters. They're all super sexy and totally bangable. If you want a better description of what they look like here you go:**

**Etsu: Kind of like the leader. He has long black hair that goes down to the middle of his back and it's all pretty and super-model looking like Neji's hair. He has purple-greyish eyes, a slim build, high cheekbones, he's tall and has pale skin like Sasuke's color.**

**Malakai: A complete idiot, but it's okay cuz he's hot. He's not slim and girly looking, he has muscle and is thick, not FAT, just you know, big. And he's not disgustingly ripped like with veins popping out and muscle protruding everywhere because that's just gross. He has chocolate brown eyes with matching color hair that's shaggy and hangs over his forehead and the back goes down to the nape of his neck, his face has rounded features. His skin is dark tan, he's tall and has the shadow of a beard. **

**Brice: He's like the smart one, not genius smart, but definitely smarter than Etsu and Malakai. He has emerald green eyes that become either light or dark depending on the lighting. His body is slim and built like Etsu's, his skin is tan but lighter than Malakai's and his hair is red like Gaara's and pulled into a braid that's thrown over his shoulder and goes down to his chest with a few loose strands hanging over his eyes and the sides of his face. He's the shortest out of the three but still tall, and his face has sharp, angular features. **

**Nai is my character too, but he was just some random guy I had to stick in so I didn't put much thought into him.**

**Okay, NOW you may go and review!**** Much love from illi!!**


	2. Mental Much?

**oh boy, it is dangerous to show my face now with how long I've had you guys waiting for this story. sorry about that! no I haven't ABANDONED this and NOR WILL I, I just want everyone to know that this story is not a top priority, it's just like a fun thing I put on the side for when I have crazy ideas or need a break from my REAL STORIES.**

**also, I see a lot of people have been requesting things since I wrote my first request story and now everyone's like "wtf? you take request?! GASP! why have I not known this?!" WELL KNOW THIS! I only do request for SASUNARU, and if you want me to write one for you then you have to private message me with your idea and as soon as I type it up and post it I will message you back. I've currently got 2 more request I'm working on, and geez, you guys just can't get enough of naru dressed like a chick, but that's okay! I like making you guys happy!**

**anyway, enough delaying, I again apologize for the wait and here is chapter dos!**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Chapter 2: Mental Much?**

Nai sighed with unkempt relief as Naruto instructed him to pull into a driveway, right before his eyes went as wide as dinner plates, "This..._this_ is your house?"

Naruto groaned and slowly pulled himself from out of the window, rubbing his stomach with a small pout, "Yeah, thanks for the ride."

Nai glanced at him while Sasuke got out from the back, "I swear, if I wasn't as drunk as I am, and if I didn't want to get so fucking FAR AWAY from you people, I wouldn't hesitate to rob your ass right now." he waved before backing out of the driveway and screeching down the street.

Sasuke stared at the blonde, who was still rubbing his stomach, "...Stop crying like a damn child, I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

Naruto snapped at him, "Who asked you?! When YOU have your ass sticking out a car window for over 70 miles of driving and YOU have people spank you from other cars at stop lights, THEN you can come and talk to me about how fucking bad it is!"

"You have a very nice house."

"Well fuck your opin--oh...uh, I mean, thanks."

"It's...quite large."

"Naruto straightened up and beamed proudly at his home...mansion, "Well you know what they say about big houses."

"No, I don't."

He frowned, "Um...me neither."

"Do you live with other people?"

"No, by myself. But now, unfortunately, I guess I have you, so c'mon."

Both men walked to the front door, where Naruto pulled out a key from his pocket and opened it. Despite how elaborate outside looked, inside was very plain. Wooden tables and chairs here and there, a living room, kitchen, TV, normal things. Wasn't even like it was a damn twenty foot plasma screen or golden seats, everything was plain and simple.

Naruto waited until Sasuke came inside before closing the door and tossing his keys on a nearby table., "Well, what do you think?"

Sasuke smirked, "I think your decoration sucks."

"And we're back to this again." he rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen, fixing a glass of water for himself.

Sasuke followed him and crossed his arms, "So, where's my room?"

Naruto lifted a brow and slowly put down his glass, "Your room." he swiped an arm across his mouth and smiled, "Oh I'll show you where _your_ room is. Close your eyes."

Sasuke frowned but obeyed, and felt Naruto grab his wrist and pull him. After walking about three steps, he let go, "Okay, open."

They were back in the living room.

"You're making me stay _here_?"

"Well, I have a dog house in the back. It used to belong to Fluffy Boo Boo, but that is a sad and tragic story that involves a barbecue."

"How lovely, and _how_ many rooms do you have in here?"

Naruto shrugged, "About twenty, and those are just the ones I KNOW about." he went back into the kitchen and picked up his water.

"You're obviously wealthy, why don't--"

Naruto sputtered his drink and began laughing, "_Wealthy_? _Me_? As in _rich_? Oh, man that's a good one." he slammed his cup down, "My friend Neji bought this house for me last year, for Christmas."

"Tch, he wasted all his money on _you_?"

"WASTED? HA! Yeah fucking right. Neji is so damn rich, he shits wads of cash into golden toilet seats filled with apple juice."

"That's...um...yeah, do I really have to stay in the living room?"

Naruto smiled, "Dog house is in the back if you want it. But first," his smile fell away, "give me the knife."

Sasuke blinked, "What?"

Naruto held out a hand, "C'mon, give it to me, I won't have you murdering me in my sleep."

"You dumbass, where the hell is this coming from? I don't have a _knife_."

Naruto pounded a fist on the counter, "Bull_shit_!" he started with surprise when the other suddenly vanished from sight. Blue eyes flicked from left to right in confusion, and his whole body jerked when a hot breath swam across the nape of his neck, "Search me, if you think I'm lying."

Naruto spun around and came face to face with Sasuke, "...You have to stop doing that."

"Your reaction is fun to watch."

Naruto swallowed a lump in his throat, "Yeah? Well it's not going to be much fun when you start buying me new underwear, because I just pissed myself a little bit thanks to you."

Sasuke stayed silent with a smile.

'_...Okay, this is going beyond weird.' _"Um...well, I'm gonna go change now and hit the sack." he moved to leave but Sasuke thrusted an arm out to block his path.

"Uh--seriously, my room is down the hall, passed the bathroom--"

"You're very intriguing."

"Um, you know what? I changed my mind, I'll give you a room."

"This isn't about that."

"A big, nice room! With CURTAINS!"

"You still don't believe me."

"Oh yes I do, from now on I'll believe every frikin word you say, you can count on that."

"Search me, I don't mind."

Naruto bit his lip and glanced at the arm blocking his way, then back at Sasuke, "If I do it, will you stop scaring the piss out of me for now?"

"I'll rest easy knowing you can rest easy."

"Um...o-okay." he stepped back and turned his head so he was staring at his side, keeping himself as far away as possible from the other while he held out his arms and brushed the tips of his fingers along Sasuke's chest. Then he whipped his hands back and smiled, "Oh! Well whaddaya know? No knife! Guess I'll go to bed now."

"That wasn't a search."

"Mnm...it's okay--"

"No, it's not."

Naruto made a hesitant noise before reaching out again, still keeping his distance, and lightly patted Sasuke's sides twice, then quickly retreated, "ALLLLRIGHT! Now that THAT'S settled, I can go. I have NEVER felt so safe before in my life. Ahahaha, good night." he hastily walked around Sasuke with a nervous laugh and rocketed down the hallway into his room, slamming the door. He hung his head down with slow pants, "My God, what kind of _freak_ have I let into my home?" he muttered.

A moment later, he realized that he had forgot to provide his "guest" with blanket and pillow. Which meant that he had to go back out there.

Oh...no.

Could his life possibly SUCK anymore? He could practically HEAR God up in his chair of glory, "Hey, let's go ruin that Uzumaki kid's life!"

He heaved a sigh before yanking off his shirt and pants, changing his boxers (as his smelled unpleasantly of urinary substances) and walking back out the door to the living room, pulling out a blanket and pillow from a side closet on the way.

When he reached the room, he found Sasuke sitting on the couch with a heavy expression on his face. He lifted a brow and cautiously walked up to him, holding out the items in his fingers, "Um...I brought you stuff to sleep with."

Sasuke glanced up as Naruto placed the things beside him on the couch, his eyes traveling down his lean body and widening when they reached the spiral on the blonde's stomach.

Naruto jumped back when Sasuke abruptly shot up from the couch, "Th-that mark!"

"What?!" he panicked.

In a movement to quick for the eye to see, Sasuke dropped to his knees and grabbed Naruto's sides with his hands, yanking him forward and pressing his face to the mark on his stomach, then inhaled deeply.

Naruto's eyes bulged and a blush worked it's way up his neck, "WHOA!"

Sasuke smiled and closed his eyes, inhaling Naruto's skin again and letting out a shaky breath, then pressed his cheek against his stomach, "Dear God, you even SMELL like freedom."

Naruto paused and slowly lifted his arm, sniffing at his armpit, "I smell like _what_?" he blanched when Sasuke pressed closer and swirled a tongue along the spiral, "And you taste of ecstasy."

"What the--I don't do drugs if that's what you're saying!" another yelp as Sasuke smothered his face into his stomach, "I thought you were the one when I saw the marks on your face, but now I see you have this and I know for certain you were the one I was looking for."

"Dude! CALM _DOWN_! They're just BIRTH marks!" he gasped when Sasuke stood up suddenly and pulled off his shirt, revealing a creamy, pale chest.

Naruto's face went completely red, "Wait a minute man! Just where the hell do you think this is _going_?!"

Sasuke's hands lurched forward and grabbed Naruto's, pressing the blonde's palms against his chest he looked up and locked gazes with him, "I need you to repeat everything I say. Make a promise that you'll keep me as yours."

"HEY!" Naruto yanked back his hands with a shocked expression, "I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but what you're doing is not normal!"

"Just trust me, if you're ready to take me nothing bad will happen."

"To take you? What does that even _mean_? To _sleep_ with you? I don't even KNOW you!"

"That's not what I'm saying. You're my way out, don't you know that?"

Naruto stared at him with a confused expression, until his eyes widened a bit, "You said you're a drifter right?"

Sasuke blinked, "Um...yeah."

"Okay, this place you...'drifted' from...did it happen to be a big, white room? And did you have to leave a pretty, matching white jacket behind?"

Sasuke scoffed, "Are you implying that I be put in a _mental_ institution?"

Naruto smiled nervously, "Nooo, of course not buddy...I'm just...you know, asking if may be you _came_ from one."

"No, I didn't."

"Uh...ha, well maybe tomorrow, before I go to work, we can swing by one and see if you like it. They have really soft beds--"

"I'm not insane!"

Naruto flinched at the outburst. Shit, now he had to change underwear again, "You know, that's okay, denial is always the first stage."

Sasuke sighed and rubbed a palm against his forehead, "You really don't know." he stated this as a confirmation rather than a question.

Naruto tilted his head, "Do you want to talk about your feelings Sasuke?"

The raven stared at him, "I apologize for my behavior, I got overexcited. But I see now that I have to wait and draw this out for you until you understand it."

Naruto nodded slowly, "Uh-huh, and how does that make you _feel_?"

Sasuke chuckled and shed his pants, flopping down on the couch, "Like you're a damn idiot, _that's_ how it makes me feel."

Naruto's slight smile quickly changed to a scowl, "Hey Sasuke, how big is your dick?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"No, actually I was just wondering if it was long enough to go FUCK YOURSELF WITH!" he turned and stomped down the hallway back to his room.

"Good night stupid!"

Naruto slammed his door harder than necessary and turned the lock. "UP YOURS!" he yelled, before flopping on his bed and falling into a fitful sleep with a damn freak on his mind.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**I KNOW it's short**

**but WOW, I can see your faces:**

**WHAT IN THE MOTHER F-ING HELL IS GOING ON**

**so mission accomplished**

**I want you guys to know that even though this took a while to update, your reviews are what pushed me to finally do it. so reviews DO help if you want the next chapter faster.**

**so until next time my Fluffy Boo Boos (I DO NOT even know where that came from)**


	3. The Office

**LMAO! I don't know which reviews I like more! I get three types!**

**3) um...okay, weird, but keep going**

**2) lol, that was so funny, i like it**

**1) ROTFLMFAO!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON BUT PLEASE DON'T STOP!**

**I think I like that one best**

**some major sakura bashing in this chap, be forewarned.**

**other than that, enjoy and continue to be completely clueless! it amuses me**

**and yes, I got the chapter name from the show, because it is frikin hilarious**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Chapter 3: The Office**

Naruto groaned and slowly blinked the sleep away from his eyes. He yawned and sat up on his bed, fisting his eyelids and swinging his legs over so his feet touched the floor. He stood up and glanced at his clock, "...Nine forty five."

Couple of seconds pass.

Naruto slitted his eyes, "Don't...I have somewhere to be?"

Couple more.

Eyes widen, "Shit! I'm late!" he blurted out before stumbling to his dresser and yanking out a pair of pants and a white, button down shirt.

"Shit shit shit shit _shit_!" in his haste, he accidentally bumped into the edge of his dresser while pulling on his pants, resulting in a sharp pain that ran around his torso, "OW!" he bent over and looked at his side, finding five finger-sized bruises. Raising a brow, he inspected his other side, seeing the same problem, "That son of a bitch!" he yelled.

Naruto quickly finished with his pants and buttoned up the shirt, leaving the top two open. He finger-combed his hair and went into the bathroom, squirting toothpaste on his forefinger and shoving in his mouth. He stalked out of the room, brushing his teeth furiously, and found Sasuke drinking a glass of orange juice in the kitchen.

Sasuke looked at him, "...New toothbrush?"

"Shut the fuck up!" he gurgled and pulled the finger out of his mouth, spitting the toothpaste in the sink and rinsing his mouth before washing his finger and wiping it on his pants.

Sasuke laughed, "It's hard to take you seriously with foam all over your mouth."

Naruto whirled around and pointed a shaky finger at him, "I have to go to work, but you can damn well bet I'll get on your ass later about these bruises you left on me!"

Sasuke blinked, "Bruises?"

"Yes, _bruises_." he lifted the tail of his shirt to show him the marks.

Sasuke seemed unsurprised by them, "Huh...well, I told you I got overexcited. My strength must've slipped out by accident, sorry."

"SORRY?! This isn't something you just APOLOGIZE for! _Apologizing_ is for when you step on a cat's tail without seeing it! _Apologizing_ is when you ask a woman when the baby's due and it turns out that she's just _fat_!" he growled and stomped to the door, snatching his keys off the table, "I don't have time for this right now, watch TV or something until I get back." he slammed the door on his way out.

**xxxSmutxxx**

Naruto hastily parked his car and got out. Running as fast as his legs would carry him to the front door of the office building. He walked in and quickly greeted the receptionist before insistently pressing on the up button for the elevator, "C'mon c'mon c'mon!"

Yeah right. As if that ever works.

Ten minutes later, the arrival bell dinged and Naruto stepped out of the metal doors. His head snapped from left to right until he caught sight of who he was looking for and quickly ran up to him.

The brunette glanced up, "Hey man, where've you been? You're over an hour late."

Naruto bent over and rested his hands on his knees, panting softly, "I-I know, Kiba I am so sorry--"

"Dude, it's okay, not like you haven't been late before. Shit, even I was late today."

"Well you're the _boss_, it doesn't matter whether you're late or not. I just don't like it 'cuz I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you."

Kiba waved a hand dismissively, "Naw man, I know you wouldn't do that. If you're late I know you have a good reason--"

"Oh I have a _damn_ good reason for why I'm late! Kiba you wouldn't BELIEVE the kind of night had! It was like the fucking ninth ring of hell I swear!"

"Sounds like an interesting night."

Both men looked up at the dark-haired girl that walked up to them.

Naruto smiled, "Hey Lina."

"What happened?"

The blonde tipped back his head and raked his fingers through his hair, "Jesus where do I _start_?"

Lina smirked, "Well the beginning might be a good place."

"Oh I'm really not in the mood for your smart ass comments today if you don't mind."

"Story Naruto." Kiba muttered.

"Right, right. Well it started with Etsu, Malakai and Brice. Those damn _assholes_, they came to my _house_" he scoffed here, "and knocked me out, drove me to the middle of frikin NOWHERE off the highway and tied me up to a fucking TREE."

Kiba blanched and Lina began laughing uncontrollably, "They did _what_?!"

"Oh and it just gets fucking terrific from there. They LEFT me so some animal or whatever could eat me, but then this _other_ guy showed up and cut me down. The only problem was, the guy was a complete and TOTAL bastard. Then we got a ride from some drunk named Nai, and I had my ass hanging out the whole way out the window!"

Lina couldn't stop her fit of giggles. She reached up and grabbed Naruto's arm, "Jesus, then what? Then what?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, "You sadistic bitch. Anyway, the guy's name was Sasuke, and he was weird. And I mean REALLY weird. He has like, super human speed and he's really creepy, and he molested my stomach."

Kiba chuckled and placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder, "Naruto, you know drugs are bad for you, right?"

Lina snapped at him, "You have drugs and you didn't share?"

"No!" he shoved both of them off, "I'm NOT making this up! I _swear_! We even made a deal, that if he got me down from the tree he could stay at my house for a while. And he CUT me down, but he didn't have a knife or anything! I _know_! I SEARCHED him...sort of..."

Both of his friends suddenly went solemn.

He raised a brow, "What?"

Lina stared at him, "You let a complete stranger stay at your _house_?"

"Yeah."

"And he's still _there_?" Kiba asked.

"Yeah."

"By _himself_?"

"I don't see where we're going with this."

Lina scowled and grabbed Naruto's forearms, "Listen to me you damn moron. YOU LEFT A COMPLETE AND TOTAL STRANGER ALL ALONE IN YOUR GINORMOUS HOUSE THAT IS FILLED WITH YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS. Clear enough for you?"

Naruto's eyes widened, "Oh _shit_!"

"Yeah! You better go GET your shit before he takes it!"

Kiba pointed to the elevator, "Run Naruto! Run! Go get that guy out of your house!"

"But I made a deal with him! I can't kick him out!"

"Well bring him here! I don't care! Just go stop him from stealing your shit!"

"But what about--"

"GO!!"

"But--"

Lina threw her arms up, "What the hell do want us to do?! Shoot a fucking gun for you?!" she pressed the down button on the elevator and shoved him inside, "We said GO!"

Naruto watched as the doors closed on his friends, and when they opened again, he hauled himself out of the elevator and dashed to his car.

A few minutes and one speeding ticket later, Naruto parked into his driveway and got out of the car, not even bothering to shut the door as he ran to his front door and shoved the key in, slamming the wood open, "DROP MY SHIT!"

Sasuke flinched and dropped the remote in his hand, holding them up in surrender, "Sorry, damn, I'll get _up_ and change the channel next time."

Naruto raised a brow and shut the door, stalking up to Sasuke before averting his gaze to the television, where a little hispanic girl was enthusiastically walking down a strip of land with a monkey, "What the hell are you doing?"

Sasuke looked at him strangely, "You said I could watch TV, didn't you?"

"Why the hell are you watching, " he glanced at the TV, then back at Sasuke, "Dora the Explorer?"

"Well I was watching...um...what was that show?" he looked and down and snapped his fingers a few times before pointing at Naruto, "Blue's Clues, that's what it was, Blue's Clues. And I gotta tell you, I thought _you_ were stupid, but that guy, Steve, Jesus Christ. He kept asking me where the goddamn clues were, and they were right behind him every time. And now this girl here, she can't find shit without my help. And _she_ has a fucking _map_...and it _talks_."

Naruto rolled his eyes and snatched the remote off the couch, "You don't get out much do you?" he turned off the television.

"Hey! Oswald was coming on!"

"And what?"

"It looked like a show about talking animals, they probably need help finding obvious shit too."

"I have every frikin channel you can _think_ of, _including_ porn, and what the hell are _you_ watching? Nick junior." he tossed the remote on the couch.

Sasuke sat back with an amused expression, "You have porn? What for?"

Naruto blushed, "It's not like I watch it! It came with the package!"

"With the package that included Nick junior."

His blush deepened, "Look, I'm not even into to women--"

"Porn doesn't just have women."

"OKAY! Enough about porn!" he pointed to Sasuke, "Get up, you're coming to work with me!"

"Why?"

"Because I don't know you and I'm paranoid about you stealing my things!"

Sasuke tilted his head and stood up, looking down at the other with a smile, "I would never take your things Naruto."

It shouldn't have been, but for some reason his blush just kept going deeper and deeper, "You wouldn't?"

Sasuke chuckled and wrapped his fingers around the other's shoulders, pulling him close enough for his lips to brush a tan ear, "Of course not...you have nothing worth taking."

Naruto's expression suddenly fell and he wrenched away from Sasuke's hold, "You asshole! I have plenty stuff people would be happy to steal!"

"Well not me." he walked past the blonde to the door, but not before purposely brushing his hand along Naruto's stomach with a smirk, "Nothing material anyway."

Naruto paused, and wasn't able to speak until Sasuke walked out the door to the car, "Stop touching me!" he yelled to the empty house.

**xxxSmutxxx**

Sasuke and Naruto both stepped from the elevator to find Kiba tapping a foot impatiently on the floor, "FINALLY!" he bellowed.

"Sorry Kiba, he didn't steal shit because he couldn't tear his eyes away from educational programming."

Kiba eyed Sasuke warily, "So, Naruto says you have super powers."

Sasuke raised a brow and slowly looked at the blonde.

Naruto laughed nervously, "Well--uh, you know, the way you're always popping out in front of me without me even noticing."

Sasuke smiled, "Silly idiot, that 's just because you're slow and stupid."

"Fuck you!"

"Where and when?"

"AGH!" he snapped to Kiba, "He's fucking impossible."

"I don't know." he smiled, "I kinda like him, he's smart."

"K-Kiba! Who the hell's side are you on?! A minute ago you and Lina were--hey...where is Lina?"

"Oh I sent her to look for Sakura, I have something to talk to her about."

Naruto's eyes bulged with disbelief, "You sent LINA to look for her? Kiba what is WRONG with you?! They can't stay within two inches of each other without Lina doing something horrible to her!"

"Actually, after I told her what I wanted Sakura _for_, Lina was really enthusiastic about going to get her."

Sasuke glanced at Naruto, "Who is this Lina person?"

Naruto nodded, "An intern, and Kiba here is the boss of this floor. Neji is head honcho."

"Ahhh, the rich one."

"Yes...the rich one."

Kiba slowly lifted a brow and turned his head when he heard someone call out to him from behind.

"Kiba! I found her!"

The brunette smiled as Lina and a pink haired woman, Sakura, casually approached him, "Ah, Sakura, I was looking for you."

"Yeah, and here I am."

"I have some good news for you."

Sakura beamed, "You do?"

"Yeah, you're--"

"EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!" Lina yelled out.

Sakura abruptly blanched and snapped her head to Lina, then back at Kiba, "I'm WHAT?!"

"Yup."

"B-but I--I can't be!"

Sasuke gave Naruto, who was snickering slightly, a questioning look, "Isn't that a _good_ thing?"

Naruto scoffed through a snort of laughter, "Pft, being employee of the month means you've got nothing better to do than spend all your time at work. It's basically a ceremony to dub you a loser in society cuz' you don't have a life."

Kiba nudged him, "It's not THAT bad!" he looked at Sakura, "You get to get off work early tomorrow!"

Sakura stared at him, "Tomorrow's Saturday."

"Oh...well, you get a parking space right next to mine! And that's right in front of the building!"

"I take the bus!"

"Oh--um...geez...you get a free pizza, it's in the cafeteria."

"I'M ON A LOW CARB DIET!"

Lina was almost to the point of tears from laughter, "Don't worry Sakura, all that cellulite on your legs will cover up any more fat you gain!"

Sakura's jaw dropped, "I am not fat!"

Lina shrugged, "Whatever you want to believe."

Kiba tapped his chin, "So...does that mean you don't want the pizza?"

"Did you not HEAR what I said?!"

He nodded, "So that's a definite no, right?"

"Are you even listening to me?!"

"Would you mind if I ate it?"

Tears touched her eyes, "You're so hurtful!" (lol, Moody's Point) and she spun around to run away crying.

Lina held her stomach with a smile, "Well, that was the highlight of _my_ day."

Kiba glanced at her, "So she DOESN'T want the pizza, right?"

The dark haired girl shook her head and straightened up, catching sight of Naruto and Sasuke for the first time, "Oh, hey you, I didn't know you were back. Who's the hottie?"

"This is Sasuke, the magic man."

"Oh, so _you're_ the stranger he let in his house."

Sasuke shrugged, "I suppose that's true."

"Are you aware that the back of your head looks like a chicken ass?"

Sasuke's face crossed an offended look and Naruto shook his head and glanced at him, "She's...pretty blunt, don't worry you get used to it."

Lina rolled her brown eyes, "Don't be such a pussy, it's true, just look at that shit back there. But don't worry, I didn't say it looks _bad_."

Sasuke scoffed, "Oh and that does make me feel _so_ much better."

"Oooooh, he's sarcastic, I like it. C'mon, let's all get to know each other." she directed them to a round table and sat down.

"Are you kidding me?" Kiba huffed, "There's a pizza in the caf' with my name on it."

Lina ignored him and yanked at his sleeve to pull him down into a seat, watching as Naruto and Sasuke took two chairs of their own.

"So, Sasuke, right?" she folded her arms on the table, "Tell me, are you gay?"

Sasuke flinched and naruto went pale, "Sorry...what?"

"You know, gay, like in fucking dudes."

"That's my business."

"Well, you know, I just wanted to ask because you pretty much _forced_ yourself on Naruto by making him put you in his house. You could just be a rapist, he even said you molested his stomach."

The dark man gave Naruto a quick look, but his head was turned away with a deep blush. He smirked, "Naruto has something I badly need, and he is the only one that can provide it. But believe me, it isn't his sexual services."

"Hey man! Don't talk about me right in front of my face like I'm some kind of whore!"

Lina raised a hand, "Shut up Naruto, the smart people are talking."

"Hey! Just what are you trying to say Lina?!"

"I think you know exactly what I'm trying to say."

"I...you're calling me stupid aren't you!"

"I don't know, am I?"

"I'm not...you did!"

"Did I call you stupid?"

"No...but...I...you--stop trying to confuse me!"

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe _you're_ the one trying to confuse _yourself_?"

"You didn't...I'm not...AGH!!"

Lina smirked, "Well while you ponder that." she turned her attention back to Sasuke, "If you're so 'straight', tell me, would you ever do Sakura?"

"Who?"

"The pink hoe that just ran away like a crying little bitch."

"No, I wouldn't."

"What about you Kiba?"

"You kept me away from a pizza for this crap?"

"Just answer the question before I castrate you."

Kiba's hands automatically flew over his crotch, "I wouldn't do her if you paid me too."

"I know, right? She's gross, it's like, can you imagine if the curtains match the carpet(1)? Ew."

Naruto cringed, "Oh God, the mental image is stuck!"

Kiba shrugged, "Wouldn't she shave it? You guys do that right? Shave down there?"

Lina crossed her arms, "I personally don't give a damn whether or not she decides to shave her vagigi."

Naruto's eyes widened, "Her WHAT?"

"What the hell is that?"

"Well _vagina_ is such an ugly word, it's completely cacophonic."

"Cacowhatta?"

"Shut up Naruto, it means it sounds bad. Vagigi makes it sound nicer, or vajayjay."

Sasuke felt a bit of heat creep up his neck, _'This is a very uncomfortable conversation.'_

Lina leaned back in her chair, "I'll bet a man named it that, just to be an ass. But that's okay because we got you guys back, penis is an ugly word too."

Naruto spread out his palms, "I really think we need to change the topic."

"Men are just scared because women are the superior race!" she stood up, "You're all afraid!" and suddenly she grabbed a helpless pregnant worker that was passing by and pointed to her stomach, then looked straight at Sasuke, "Behold the power of the almighty uterus!"

Sasuke looked extremely uncomfortable, "I'm not--"

"BEHOLD IT!"

Kiba elbowed him and whispered, "She's crazy man, you better do what she says."

"LOOK AT IT!"

"I'm looking!"

The woman was struggling to get away until Naruto stood up and pried Lina off of her, offering an apologetic look.

"If it weren't for us you all wouldn't be here! WE'RE the ones who have to shove mattresses between our legs every month or shove cotton sticks up there!"

"You know what Lina? I think I heard Sakura tripping down the stairs, why don't you go check that out?"

Lina snapped to him, "And you're telling me this NOW?!" she ran down the hallway towards the staircase.

Kiba snickered, "Hehehehe, pizza time." and he quietly snuck away to the cafeteria.

Naruto slumped and let out a sigh of relief, putting a hand to his forehead and glancing at Sasuke, "Just pray that you never meet any of _her_ friends."

But Sasuke could say nothing...thank God Naruto hadn't been born a woman.

**xxxSmutxxx**

Later that night, Naruto opened the door to his home and closed it behind Sasuke, banging his head lightly against the wood, "Man, I am so sorry, things usually aren't that crazy over there."

Sasuke shrugged with a small smile, "At least it's never boring." abruptly, he was gone again, and Naruto stiffened when arms wrapped around him from behind, hot puffs of air swimming across his neck, "Of course, if you take me, I guarantee life will become even more interesting."

For one heart stopping moment, the blonde couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. His mind only focused on the way Sasuke's body flushed against his, and the electric impulses that prickled over his skin to settle around the spiral on his stomach.

But reality slammed into him when the other's arms slipped away, allowing him to whirl around with a pissed look only to stop cold when he came face to face with Sasuke, "Holy SHIT!"

The raven's expression had gone completely apathetic, his eyes had changed to a bloody red color with three black dots and he was staring out into nothing with his lips in a tight line.

Naruto immediately reached for his phone and dialed 911.

The line picked up, "911, is this an emergency?"

"Jesus CHRIST! My--um--uh--HOUSEMATE! Yeah! He just got a serious case of PINK EYE!"

"Sir, you need to relax, I can't...wait...what? Pink eye? Sir, that doesn't sound like an emergency."

"_LADY_! HE'S GOT RED SHIT IN BOTH OF HIS EYES! AND HE'S NOT _MOVING_! I THINK THIS QUALIFIES AS A FUCKING _EMERGENCY_!"

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down and call your nearest medical center. Here, I'll even put you through--"

"I DON'T NEED A DAMN _DOCTOR_!" his orbs widened when Sasuke's eyes suddenly returned to their natural black color and he shook his head slightly from side to side.

"Sir? Sir? Sir are you still there?"

"Are...are you all right dude?"

Sasuke lifted a confused eyebrow and nodded.

Naruto exhaled a relieved breathe, "Never mind, he's okay."

"What? Wait a minute--"

He hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch, "WHAT IN THE FRIKIN NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD WAS _THAT_ ABOUT?!"

Sasuke stared at him for a minute before opening his mouth, "My brother is coming here tomorrow to visit me."

**xxxSmutxxx**

Naruto kept his gaze focused on the ceiling as he lay in his bed.

The freak had a brother? Dear Lord, was the brother a freak too? And he was coming to _visit_? How the hell does he even know where Naruto _lives_? And all that crap still doesn't explain why the hell Sasuke got that weird ass case of pink eye--uh--pink _eyes_ all of a sudden...red eyes? And the weird thing was...Naruto felt like he had seen that red eye thing before, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember where. AAGH! All of it was so...stupid. Stupid bastard! With his stupid weirdness and his stupid chicken ass hair and his stupid stupidity!

Eventually, Naruto managed to force himself into sleep, which is why he didn't hear Sasuke quietly creak the door open and carefully tip-toe over to the bed. He slowly reached forward and pulled down the sheets to expose the other's tan stomach, and the swirl around it. A smirk stretched his face as he placed at knee on the bed and swung his arm over Naruto's chest to press beside it on the mattress. He leaned down until his lips brushed Naruto's cheek, causing the blonde to stir softly but not wake up.

With a eerie smile, Sasuke stuck out his tongue and leisurely ran it up from Naruto's chin all the way to his temple, then took it back in, taking pleasure in the fact that the blonde's mouth twitched upward. He chuckled softly, "Sleep well, stupid master, it's the last sane night you'll enjoy."

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**(1)- do i really have to explain this? c'mon guys, if the "hair up there" matches the "hair down there."**

**and CUT! end of chapter three! I'm looking forward to LOTS of absolutely baffled reviews, because next chapter, a lot of things are going to be cleared up. not to say they're still not gonna be weird...and WTF like, but they'll be understandable. **

**I can already answer one question I know is going to pop up everywhere:**

**NO, sasuke is NOT going to be uke.**

**there.**

**and if anyone even cares, that crude, crazy sadistic bitch Lina:**

**is me.**

**she is my anime clone, and exactly what I would do and say if I were put into those situations. no, I'm not on happy pills, or any other type of medication, I'm just plain old crazy, and I enjoy every second of it. :)**

**anyway, if THAT'S not enough for reviews.**

**ITACHI'S going to be in the next chapter. well, now at least I have Itachi fans attention, which is about eighty percent of the naruto fan population, don't even TRY and tell me it's not true. I see itachi love everywhere damnit.**


	4. Seriously, What the Hell?

**wow guys, I wasn't expecting the most interesting thing last chapter to be ME! almost everybody just had to tell me how much they loved Lina! I'm a pretty popular person here now huh? yes, I do parties and I'll say mean things to that person you hate for you. now of course, my name isn't REALLY Lina, those are just letters IN my real name that I took out and made that way, but the way she acts is EXACTLY how I am. I couldn't think of anyone crude enough from Naruto to say the things I wanted to say, not even Jiraiya would go as far as I do, so I took it upon myself to just physically PUT myself in my story, I make things more interesting, and you all just WAIT until later, when another friend of mine comes in here.**

**any who, thanks a trillion for the reviews guys! and I swear if the last chapters didn't pull a chuckle out of you, this one WILL. Itachi fans might end up hating me though, cuz he is so OOC, but he's just so great to poke fun at!**

**this chap is dedicated to my equally insane love, kiki: yours and mines insanity stabilizes the saneness of our lives--a.k.a I love you like a fat woman loves pie (hugs and kisses) **

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**Chapter 4: Seriously, What the Hell?**

The sound of something shattering to the floor caused Naruto's eyes to flutter open partially. He groaned and lowered his lids to below half-mast, then whispered groggily, "What the hell was that?" he glanced at the bedside clock, which read 6: 34 am and he released a fake sob, "Too eaaaaarrrlyyy..."

Letting out an annoyed moan, he forced himself up and trudged off the bed, his mind still in the foggy state of sleep. He picked up a pair of sweatpants from the floor and clumsily slid them on. Then, with a slumped figure, Naruto slowly walked past his door, not even noticing that it was opened already, and took slow--_very_ slow--steps to the source of the crash, the bathroom. On his way, he gingerly rubbed a hand up the side of his face, then paused when he felt something kind of...scratchy. He brought the hand down and narrowed his eyes even further at a mirror hanging in the hallway, finding something white stained up his cheek.

He blinked at his reflection...was that...dried _saliva_? Well geez, he'd admit he was no beauty when he slept. Hell, he even knew he tended to drool now and again...but...how in fuck's name did drool from his _mouth_ wind up dried up next to his _eye_?

He pondered for a moment but then shook his head, deciding he was way to damn tired to worry about the trail his saliva traveled on while he was snoring. So he continued on his way to the bathroom, and when he got there, he stood impassively at the door with a completely _blank_, completely _sleepy_ look on his face.

Well, the first thing he noticed was that there was a big hole now in his wall behind the sink cabinet.

Second, he found the thing that had shattered to the floor had been a fugly--that's right _fugly_--ornament that Sakura had given him for his last birthday. Thank God.

Third, he saw that some..._thing_ with a long, black tail--which had probably made the hole in the first place--was desperately moving around behind the cabinet, the only thing visible were it's hind legs and it's tail.

Naruto blinked once...then twice...then glanced around the small room to see if anything other weird things were going on that he may have missed. When nothing caught his eye, he looked back down at the animal, which still hadn't even noticed the blonde was even standing there, "Damn cat...I really need to get rid of that thing..." he muttered before turning around and taking drowsy steps back out the door.

About ten feet later, he paused, "Wait a minute...I don't have a _cat_." he let out a huge sigh and slowly walked back to the bathroom, finding this whole thing way too fucking tiring to deal with right now. When he got back, the animal was still squirming around behind the cabinet, "...Hey" he grumbled.

Didn't hear him.

He gritted his teeth and exhaled, "Hey...kitty...kitty kitty kitty..._kitty_." was the fucking thing _deaf_ or what?

But suddenly, the animal stiffened and it gradually pulled itself out from behind the cabinet.

Naruto quirked a brow at the sight.

That...was definitely _not_ a kitty.

The thing was completely black and had scales, with large dark eyes, four legs, a long tail, and three horns curling back on it's head. Also...there was a lizard shoved halfway in it's mouth, trying desperately to get out.

Naruto stared impassively at the creature and it stared back, "O...kay...," the blonde muttered, "can't say I was expecting _that_."

Dear God...it was definitely to early to deal with something like this. What the hell _was_ that thing? It started with _some_ letter.

Naruto sighed and went through his alphabet, _'A, anteater...no, that's not it. B, baby...barnacle...no. Geez, C, well...it's not a cat...D, dog...it's got four legs, but they don't have scales...dragon...that was it wasn't it? Yeah, the thing is a dragon.' _he smiled triumphantly at his discovery and turned around to walk away. Suddenly, the whole thing registered through his mind and he whirled around with wide eyes, "WHAT THE _FUCK_?!" he gaped at the animal for a moment before dashing out of the room and coming back with a knife poised in his hand.

The dragon promptly blinked and spit out the lizard in it's mouth, watching it scamper away and then turned it's attention back to the blonde.

Naruto stared with shock and nearly passed out when the animal began changing form, growing out it's limbs and standing upright, eventually taking on the form of, "SASUKE?!" the blonde yelled.

Sasuke looked at him, "Um...there was a lizard."

Naruto continued to gawk.

The raven turned red, "It was MOCKING me damnit! The little bastard _deserved_ to be killed!"

Naruto began panting heavily and was holding the knife with shaky hands. He gestured to the door, "Out--outoutoutoutOUT!! FUCKING MOTHER OF MARY GET _**OUT**_!"

Sasuke flinched for a split second. But then his entire body relaxed and a small smirk adorned his face, "You aren't honestly going to put that through me, are you?"

Naruto shook his head and stumbled backward when Sasuke began advancing on him, "St-stay back! I'll do it damnit!"

Sasuke chuckled and forced the blonde back against the wall, grabbing his wrists and putting them down so the weapon faced the ground, "Now now, you wouldn't want to kill your new pet, would you?"

Naruto stiffened and dropped the knife so it clattered to the floor, "I KNEW you were crazy!"

Sasuke ignored the comment and pressed flush against him, leaning down to breathe into the other's mouth, "Wouldn't you _like_ a dragon for a pet?"

It was at this moment that Naruto realized, the other man was completely _nude_, and he was half naked himself. A rush of heat traveled up his neck and flooded his cheeks, "What the hell _are_ you?"

Sasuke's lips twitched, "_Yours_." he closed the distance between them.

Blue eyes went wide when Sasuke's mouth pressed against his, and before he could think, he opened his own and allowed the other to slip inside.

Sasuke growled and pinned Naruto's wrists against the wall, devouring his mouth as if his life depended on it. He tilted his head and shoved his tongue into the other's cavern, running the muscle over his tongue.

Naruto groaned and arched against him, body humming for more even though he knew he should be scared shitless of this guy right now.

A knock on the front door yanked Naruto back into reality, snapping his head away he broke the kiss, leaving Sasuke to plant kisses and licks along his cheek.

The knocking continued and Naruto promptly lurched forward and shoved the other off of him. He blushed and took off his sweatpants, tossing them to Sasuke, "Put them on and for God's sake DON'T MOVE until I come back!" he yelled before rushing out the bathroom.

He ran to the front door and turned the lock, yanking it open, "WHAT?!"

The visitor flinched before scowling, "Well aren't _we_ just a fucking ray of sunshine this morning?"

Naruto blinked, "Lina?" he looked over the girl, dressed in nothing but a pair of boy boxers and a white tank top that read "Bite Me" in bold letters, black hair puffing out in random curls.

"What is it Lina?"

Lina blinked and glanced behind him, "Hey, where's chicken ass man?"

Naruto hesitated, "Sasuke? Um..."

"Yeah, the man with the onion ass."

"The man with the onion...what?"

Lina nodded, "An ass so beautiful," she wiped at a fake tear, "it brings tears to your eyes. Kinda like yours."

"Um..." he glanced at his backside for a moment, "Thanks...really Lina, I'm like, a little busy, what do you need?"

"I'm out of sugar, and I'll PMS all day if I don't have my cafe con leche."

"What did you call me?"

She rolled her eyes, "COFFEE with MILK, you damn idiot. I need SU-GAR, do you have any or not?"

He looked her up and down, "Lina...I know you live two houses down, but...couldn't you have at least gotten a little dressed before you came over here?"

Her brows crumpled, "Are you calling me trashy you little pillow biter(1)?"

Naruto stammered, "What? No! Nonono! That's not--HEY! I am NOT a pillow biter!"

"Whatever, go get me some sugar before I flash your homosexual ass with my 34C's."

Something abruptly crashed in the bathroom and caused both of them to jump.

Naruto panicked, "Oh dear God."

"What the hell was _that_?"

"Nothing!"

"It was obviously SOMETHING!"

"Uh--um--frogs." he retorted quickly.

Lina looked at him, "_Frogs_?"

Naruto nodded his head rapidly, his eyes shifting with nervousness as he tried to come up with something, "Uh, giant...Canadian...cloud...frogs."

Lina raised a brow, "Giant. Canadian. Cloud. Frogs." she looked down, "The bullshit coming out of your mouth is dirtying your floor."

"No no, it's true--um--Sasuke's...trying to get rid of them."

"Uh-huh, well maybe I should come in and help you. I got rid of the mice in Kiba's laundry room, if I can handle little fuckers like those, I think I can take down a few frogs...especially if they don't _exist_."

Another crash.

Lina started, "What the fuck is going _on_ in there?!"

Naruto paled and quickly ran to the kitchen, grabbing a bag of sugar and shoving it to Lina's chest, "WELL IT'S BEEN GREAT SEEING YOU LINA! TIME FOR YOU TO GO NOW! _**BYE**_!" he slammed the door and locked it, dashing back into the bathroom to find two more things shattered on the floor, and Sasuke, in his human form, stretching an arm behind the cabinet again with a scrunched up face.

"What the hell are you DOING?!"

"That little bitch came back! She's _taunting_ me Naruto!"

"Oh for Christ's sake, get UP!"

Sasuke paused and glared behind the cabinet, "This isn't over." he muttered before standing up.

Naruto blushed at seeing his sweatpants hugging the other's hips, "Where're your clothes?"

"They...ripped...when I changed."

"Well don't you have any other ones?"

"_Those_ weren't even mine, I took them from a camper who was out in the woods."

"So...you _stole_ them."

"I did not _steal_. I simply _borrowed_...without permission...and without the intention of ever giving them back."

"So you _stole_ them."

"Forcefully emancipated. Why can't I just wear your clothes? Selfish are we?"

Naruto rubbed his temples and pointed to the door in the living room, "Look, I don't know what the hell you want from me, but all this weird shit is going to give me a heart attack at 23. So you need to GO."

Sasuke shook his head, "I'm afraid I can't do that. I need you."

"What the fuck do you WANT from me?!"

Sasuke sighed and grabbed the other's hand, leading him to the living room and sitting them down on the couch, "I need you to listen to me very carefully, all right?"

Naruto raised a brow but nodded once.

"I can't explain everything right now because my brother will be here soon, but basically all I need from you at this very moment is to NOT kick me out and wait until my brother leaves so I can explain what's happening here, alright?"

Naruto shook his head and stood up, "Dude! You're a fucking _animal_!"

"Dragon."

"A giant lizard!"

"Don't you compare me to those little bastards! We are NOT the same!"

Naruto jumped when rain started pounding on the window, and he stared at the drops for a moment before sighing, "Okay...you promise you'll tell me what's going on?"

Sasuke nodded.

Naruto bit his lip, "But how come--" he was interrupted by a knocking at the door.

Sasuke stared at the wood and sniffed the air, "That's him."

"Your brother?"

"Yes."

Naruto glanced apprehensively at the door, "Is he...you know...like you?"

"Of course he is."

The blonde groaned and slowly walked to the door, pulling it open once again to be met with a man that looked shockingly similar to Sasuke.

"Uh...hi?"

Itachi sighed, "Brother? Is that you?"

"Um..."

He frowned, "Little brother...come closer...it's so dark...and I'm so cold..."

Naruto raised a brow, "Uh, buddy...your eyes are closed...and you're standing in the rain."

The man opened his eyes and looked down at the blonde, "..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..._Hi_?"

"You're not Sasuke."

"Great observation man, I'm Naruto, Sasuke's over there." he pointed to the couch, where Sasuke was watching the scene play out with an amused smile.

Itachi blinked, "Oh...yes, of course."

"Well, come on in I guess." he stood out of the way so Itachi could come inside, only to sweat drop when the man took a step and walked straight into the wall.

Naruto started, "Are you okay?!"

Sasuke chuckled, "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Itachi's going blind."

Naruto snapped to him, "What?! You're such an ASS! And you just let him run into stuff like that?!"

"Pretty much."

Itachi rubbed his forehead and grabbed Naruto's arm, pulling himself inside the house, "That's quite enough little brother." he let Naruto lead him to sit next to Sasuke.

Sasuke lifted a brow, "So, you said you had something important to tell me."

Itachi nodded, "Yes, but before that, Naruto, do you happen to have any shampoo?"

Naruto shut the door and stared at him, "_What_?"

"Shampoo, for the hair."

"Um...yeah...why?"

"Please, will you bring me a bottle?"

"What the...what _for_?"

The man's face suddenly fell to a scowl, "Naruto, do you SEE my hair?"

"Uh, well, yeah."

"Is my hair not in beautiful condition?"

The blonde's mouth parted in confusion, "I guess...so. Where is this going?"

"Are you going to hold yourself responsible for not giving me a mere bottle of shampoo to keep the lustrous shine in my hair and let it go dull and flat?!"

"...What?"

"Will you?!"

"Dude, what's your _problem_? You work at a fucking Herbal Essence commercial or something?"

"Do you WANT my hair to lose it's shine?!"

Naruto held his hands up in surrender, "Geez, _okay_, I'll get you some damn shampoo." he grumbled a few curses under his breath before going to bathroom and coming back with a bottle of shampoo in his hand, he held it out to Itachi, "_Here_."

Itachi smiled and took the bottle, "Thank you." he flicked the cap open and abruptly shoved it in front of Sasuke's face and squeezed, the liquid shooting out and flying right into oblivion eyes. Sasuke screamed and fell to the floor, while Itachi sat laughing manically on the couch.

Naruto's eyes widened, "SASUKE!"

The raven was rolling around on the ground with his hands over his eyes and screaming crude obscenities at his brother.

"HA!" Itachi yelled, "You thought it would be humorous to put my fingers in a glass of water while I was asleep did you brother(2)?! Well who's laughing NOW?!"

Naruto hurried to the kitchen and filled up a cup of water, running back into the living room and splashing it over Sasuke eyes.

"ITACHI! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" the raven screamed as Naruto helped him rinse the shampoo out.

A few minutes later, Sasuke was back on the couch panting heavily with irritated eyes, and Naruto sat between them to make sure neither one killed the other.

Itachi smirked, "Well, now that _that's_ off my chest. Sasuke, I have something important to tell you."

The other just glared.

"Sasuke...he's looking for you."

Suddenly Sasuke's eyes widened, anger forgotten, "You're kidding..._already_?"

"Yes."

Naruto raised a brow and looked from one to the other, "Who? Who's looking for you Sasuke?"

"Are you sure Itachi? He doesn't know where I am does he?"

"No, but he has sent out that little rat of his out to search for you."

"Damnit."

"Well did you find the other yet? That will solve the problem."

Sasuke smirked, "Yes, I did find him."

"Well why aren't you _with_ him?"

Sasuke chuckled and glanced at Naruto, who was looking at both of them like they'd grown four noses, "I _am_ with him."

"What? Me?"

Itachi stared at the blonde, "This is him? Are you positive?"

"Yes, he has all the marks."

"Ah, then why are you still worried?"

"He doesn't know of us."

Itachi blanched, "You're joking. That does pose a problem."

"Everything scares him shitless, he had no idea we existed until today. He's hesitant about taking me."

"HELLO! I'm right HERE you guys!"

Itachi sniffed and stood up, "Well, knowing or not knowing doesn't take away the right. He can still do it, you just have to explain it to him."

"Itachi he has to _want_ to do it, you know that."

"Seriously, am I like the air here?"

Itachi smirked, "Then little brother, it's time to work some of your charm and _make_ him want to do it. Because if the snake and the rat find you, there won't be another chance."

Sasuke sighed, "I'm aware of that."

"Hey guys, I'm gonna go slice my wrist."

"Then be quick about it Sasuke, the only freedom you'll get is through him."

"Right after I jump out the window!"

Sasuke smiled, "He'll do it."

Naruto slumped into the couch. These bastards had totally _forgotten_ he was there! Where the hell was Lina when you needed her? _She'd_ make them pay attention!

"Well, I suppose I should take my leave before he realizes I'm not there anymore."

Sasuke nodded and stood up, walking his brother to the door and opening it, "Don't trip down any stairs on your way."

"Haha, very funny little brother. You keep using yours and you'll wind up the same way." he left.

Sasuke laughed softly and closed the door, turning around to face the blonde with a predatory smile on his face, "Now...down to business."

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**(1)- cuz ukes always have their faces shoved in pillows XD**

**(2)- when you put someone's fingers in water and they just sit there, they pee.**

**man, and to think this thing was going to be a SIDE project. everyone's love for it has made it into a BIG project, oh you silly ducks, making me change my mind like that. **

**and c'mon now guys.**

**itachi.**

**was hilarious.**

**he walked right into a wall for god's sake.**

**reviews are welcomed and pleaded for! and more SasuNaru action is coming up in coming chapters. along with better explanation as to what the hell's going on, but if you're smart you pretty much figured it all out by now. if you're not...well, yeah, let's leave it at that.**


	5. So It Doesn't Mean Sex?

**er...I was re-reading this and I realized I forgot to put something and that might put me in a spot of trouble.**

**so I'll say it now**

**ahem:**

**any references or comments I use from TV shows, kiki, movies, kiki, websites, kiki, books, and kiki, belong to um...them. so yeah. but there's a bunch of stuff that's mine too.**

**oh, and I have nothing against Canadians. I just like poking fun at them, you'll see. I also apologize in advance for anyone I might offend with future racial/sexist whatever comments that will pop up in this story. but my advice, get over it. I love all races, all people, ('cept, you know, the crazy ones, like Hitler, grrr) but I still make fun of everything. so don't feel bad or excluded cuz I bash on EVERYONE. **

**if you can't take a joke.**

**you're weak, leave.**

**other than all that, I'm sorry for the wait--damn writer's block--and I thank everyone for their patience! and in some cases, for their threats!**

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**Chapter 5: So It Doesn't Mean Sex?**

Not many things scared Naruto.

The few that did being:

Lina.

Lina's friends.

Ghosts (which so totally exist.)

And the fear that one day there will be a discontinuation of instant ramen. The occurrence that will drive Naruto to commit suicide and leave a bloody note next to the knife that says "WHY?"

Other than those, Naruto wasn't scared of anything. Actually, the prospect of a hot boy advancing on you in a manner that seemed to be going in the direction of sex usually thrilled Naruto.

And perhaps, if Naruto hadn't just recently discovered that a carefully advancing Sasuke was actually a giant lizard--oh wait, no, ahem, _dragon--_then maybe he WOULD be thrilled about this, since he would admit that, in spite of how fucking WEIRD Sasuke was, Naruto had developed a small crush on him over the past few days.

But the fact that Sasuke _was_ a supposedly mythical creature only made Naruto want to shit his pants as the raven stepped closer and closer to him until they were a foot apart.

Sasuke smirked and leaned down, placing one hand on Naruto's knee and the other on the armrest of the couch, coming in close to the blonde's face, "I'm so glad I got such a pretty other. Tell me, do you like me as much as I like you?"

Naruto's mouth fell apart. How the hell was he supposed to respond to that?

"Uh..."

Oh yeah, real articulate. Wasn't this bastard supposed to be explaining--WHOAH THAT FEELS GOOD!

Apparently at some point, Sasuke had decided it wise to clamp down on the other's neck and suck with feverish intentions.

Naruto whined and threaded his fingers in ebony hair, tugging at it suggestively, and he gasped when a tongue suddenly began trailing itself up his neck and along his jaw until it slipped in between his parted mouth.

A loud groan erupted from Sasuke, pouring itself into Naruto's throat until he pulled back and dragged himself down the blonde's body, gripping his bare sides with his hands and holding him close.

Naruto arched with need, forgetting about everything but that wonderful wet muscle sliding down his chest and the fingers wrapped around his torso that were now digging in and hurting like ALL FUCKING HELL!

"OW! _SHIT_! LET GO! LEGGO DAMNIT!" the blonde yelled, kicking the other off and wrapping an arm around his stomach, "Owww..."

Sasuke shook his head quickly and raised a brow, "What?"

"My BRUISES you JACKASS! The bruises that YOU gave me! You were digging your goddamn CLAWS into them and it HURT! Jesus CHRIST! If you're going to come on to me at least do it without rupturing my organs!"

Sasuke sat still for a moment before a slow smirk spread his features. He stood back up, "Is that _permission_ for me to come on to you?"

Naruto's breathe caught, _'YES!'_ "Uh...no!"

"Hn." Sasuke smiled lazily, then began stepping forward again until Naruto raised a hand to stop him.

"Not so fast man! Every time you want to avoid questions, you go and start molesting me! Not this time!" he carefully moved his arm from around his torso and righted himself on the couch. He took a deep breath and stared at the other man, who was looking back at him with an amused tilt of his lips.

Naruto gulped and cleared his throat, loosely draping his arms across his legs so his hands fell between them, "Now listen here" he began, "You are the freakiest shit that has ever happened to me. And believe me, I _know_ some freaky people. Now what did you say earlier? That you're my...pet? Or something?"

God if that didn't sound weird...and...kinky...but still weird.

Sasuke chuckled. Damn bastard. "Well, partially, yes."

Naruto nodded, "Okay." he lifted a hand and pointed a finger to the seat next to him, "Sit."

The raven's eyebrow twitched, like he was a bit pissed from the blunt order.

But Naruto didn't waver. He snapped his fingers, "C'mon freak, sit."

Sasuke grumbled something but obeyed nonetheless.

Naruto grinned, moving his hand back, "Alright then. Now, from the beginning, I want to know who you are, _what_ you are, why you've been stalking me and what the hell you WANT from me. Go."

Sasuke snorted softly and licked his lips, "Well, my name _is_ Sasuke. I'm a dragon--"

"Okay hold it. Are you sure you're not a lizard?"

"I AM NOT A LIZARD!"

"Well don't dragons have wings?!"

" What makes you think I don't have wings?"

"Well you didn't have them earlier, in the bathroom." he paused, brows furrowing, "And shouldn't you be bigger? I mean, you're kinda puny."

This seemed to offend Sasuke, and Naruto involuntarily drew back. "We can change form into any size. I could be two feet tall, or a hundred feet, even a thousand if I felt like it. There is no restriction on how large or small we can be. And as for my wings, I can take them out and retract them at will, so they're not always visible."

Naruto took in the information and nodded slowly, "O...kay...now-for-ques-tion-two" he said slowly, "Where in the _hell_ did you come from?"

Sasuke smiled, "Canada."

Naruto blanched, "Excuse me?"

"Canada."

"...You came from _Canada_?"

"That's where all dragons come from."

"All dragons...are Canadian?"

"No. But there's a cave there where we're all born. That's where dragons bring their eggs to hatch."

...Er...

Now, Naruto was no expert on...fairy tales, but he was damn sure he'd never heard anything about dragons being born in Canada. He clenched a fist and looked away, shaking it threateningly at the air, "I _knew_ those damn Canadians were hiding something...they're just too damn perfect..."

Sasuke raised a brow and tapped the other, snapping him out of whatever trance he was in, "Huh? Oh, uh, sorry. Ahem, okay, last, why were you looking for me and what do you _want_ from me?"

That damn smile again, "_Freedom_."

Naruto rolled his eyes, "Yeah buddy, I get that, you've only been throwing that word at me every two minutes. But I don't get what you mean or how I'm going to give it you."

"By taking me."

Naruto blushed, "I already told you I'm NOT going to have SEX with you!"

"It has nothing to do with sex."

Naruto jerked back, "Nothing to do with sex? Wait, so it doesn't mean sex?"

"No."

The blonde growled, "Well then why the hell do you say it like that and start raping me?! What else could it mean?!"

"When you go to buy a pet, a dog, a cat, a fish, anything, what are you doing?"

Naruto blinked, "Um...spending money I don't have to spend?"

"_No_."

"Buying it for someone else?"

"No!"

"Well how the hell should I know?! I'm not going to buy a pet!"

"You damn _idiot_! You're taking it _in_! You're _accepting_ it! You're _welcoming_ it! How much simpler can I _make_ this for you?!"

Naruto paused in consideration for Sasuke's words, "So...like...adopting? Is that what you mean?"

"_Yes_."

Naruto's eyes widened, "I have to _adopt_ you?"

"Yes, you have to claim ownership over me."

"Why?"

"So I can be freed from my current owner."

"Why do you have to have a owner?"

Sasuke sighed and looked down, "Well usually, we don't, we live freely. But, if within the first minutes of a dragon's life, it comes into contact with human, it becomes connected to that human by a link, shown by a mark that appears on our skin."

"So what are you saying? That you have that mark?"

Sasuke nodded and turned slightly, showing Naruto the spot at the back base of his neck, where three small circle like figures marred the skin there.

Naruto's lips formed an 'o' and he reached forward to touch it, but Sasuke turned back before he had a chance. "Uh" Naruto murmured, catching Sasuke's stare, "It's...pretty?"

"No." Sasuke said, "It's not. My brother and I were stolen before we hatched by a pasty, psychotic, snake freak who touched us when we were born."

"Oh...um, well in that case, it's ugly."

Sasuke smiled a bit.

It made Naruto smile too, but he caught himself and shook his head, "Er...so where do I come into all this?"

"You, my clumsy little idiot, are my other."

"Your what?"

"Certain dragons who are touched have the small chance of being connected to another human besides the one who marked them. A human that is chosen by fate."

Naruto quirked a brow, "Riiiight...Neji would have a field day with you if you believe in all that destiny crud too."

"It's true. This human is referred to as an 'other', and they hold the power to claim the dragon as theirs and derive ownership of the previous one. But it's up to the dragon to find them."

"Uh...huh...and who is this guy that owns you?"

"His name is Orochimaru, and he has put my brother and me through all kinds of hell since we were born. He also has an assistant named Kabuto, who follows him like a shadow and practically orgasms at his name, it's quite disgusting actually. How devoted he is to him. I had to get away from there. Unfortunately, my brother does not have an other." he slammed his hand down on top of Naruto's and grasped it tightly, his lips spreading out into a sinister grin, "But I have _you_."

Naruto leaned back, "And..._why_ can't you just run away from this guy?"

"We still have a link, he's bound to find me sooner or later, which is why I had to come and find you as soon as possible in hopes that you'll accept me."

"How the hell did you _find_ me anyway?"

Sasuke snorted, "Besides the fact that you were tied up to a tree branch in the middle of nowhere?"

Naruto sputtered and yanked his hand out of the other's grasp, "Hey man! That was NOT my fault! I was assaulted!"

Sasuke shrugged, "You do hold a point though. I would have never known about you on my own. There was actually a third dragon that Orochimaru owned who told me about you. He said to find 'a blonde idiot with fiery temper, whisker marks and a spiraled stomach.' Then he left to find his own other who had been communicating with him through dreams. And since his tie was severed with Orochimaru, I assume he must've succeeded in his quest."

Naruto groaned in annoyance at the description, "Okay...so basically, all you need me to do is accept you more or less as my...pet or property or whatever, and this Orochimaru dude will leave you alone?"

"Well..."

Naruto nodded quickly and smiled. He sat straight, "Okay, let's do it, I'll take you." he held out his hands, remembering when Sasuke had placed them on his chest, "How does it work?"

Sasuke sighed, "It's not that simple, I wish it were."

Naruto's smile faltered, "What?" he dropped his hands in exasperation, "C'mon man, this is really messed up, I just want to get it over with."

Sasuke's eyes snapped to him, making Naruto shrink back, "_That's_ why. It's not just a simple manner of spouting a few words and performing some gestures."

A tan nose scrunched up in confusion, "Well that's what you were trying to make me do when you attacked my stomach the other night! Why would it work _then_ and not now?!"

"I was so overwhelmed that I had found you, I had forgotten that you have to want me as well. You have to _want_ to keep me."

"You think I don't?"

"Do you?"

"Uh...er...hum...yes?"

"Hesitation."

"Well c'mon! This is a lot to take in! I want to help you but I can't just go around taking in dragons as pets! I'm trying!"

Sasuke rubbed his hands on his knees and sighed, "It's alright. I knew it would take time." he smiled after a moment, coal eyes peeking up at the other. "Besides" he murmured, leaning forward until his was a hair's breath away from the blonde's lips, "persuasion can't hurt."

Naruto felt his heart pick up speed. Sasuke's breath was cool and invasive, and God he looked so _good_...and parts of Naruto (lower parts anyway) were urging him to just grab Sasuke's face and drag it across every inch of his body. But other parts (sensible parts) were still reeling with the fact that there was a mythical creature sitting right in front of him. That he was the only one who could take it and give it freedom.

And _other_ parts still, were scared shitless.

Sasuke was pressing closer, and before Naruto could give into the tempting heat, he forced himself to shove Sasuke away while yelling out, "NO! BAD Sasuke! No molesting Naruto!"

Sasuke looked at him, disoriented for a moment, before smirking, "No molesting Naruto?" he repeated with amusement.

"No molesting Naruto" the blonde smiled, "Unless Naruto says so."

Sasuke lurched forward but Naruto pushed him again, "And Naruto says, he's too freaked out to fool around right now." he wagged a finger at Sasuke, "_No_."

Sasuke glared.

"Look, if I'm going to keep you as a pet--um--someday, I should start treating you like one, shouldn't I? You know, put you in your place, like training! If I don't you'll be jumping me every chance you get. It'll be like teaching a dog not to hump your leg."

Sasuke frowned and sat back, "If you think it'll help you, I don't mind...for now."

Naruto nodded, "Okay." he stood up, "Let's go."

"Where?"

"You think I can keep this sort of thing to myself? I'll go insane! We're going to go tell Lina."

Sasuke cringed a bit, "Out of all people?"

"Well, I think she'll be least freaked out. Do you mind?"

Sasuke smiled, "Not at all. I'm in your hands...master."

Naruto returned the gesture, and ignored the shiver that ran up his spine.

**XXXSmutXXX**

Naruto gave Sasuke a wary look as he raised a hand to knock on Lina's door.

When no one answered, his brows knitted and he knocked again, "LINA!"

Sasuke snorted, "Maybe she's not home, let's leave."

"No, it's Saturday, she has to be home. Besides she came over earlier for sugar not to long ago." he knocked again.

Still nothing.

Sasuke punched his left hand into his right one, "Should I break it down?"

Naruto's head whirled to him, "NO! ARE YOU CRAZY?! She'll kill you! Then she'll bring you back to life to pay for the damages, and then she'll kill you again!" he looked back at the door, "Maybe she's in the bathroom or something." he placed a hand on the knob, "LIN--" his words fell away as his hand turned and the door swung open freely.

He blinked, "Oh...um...okay." he stepped in, followed by Sasuke.

But they both went still and sweat dropped when they saw Lina sitting on the couch in the same thing she was wearing earlier, boxers and a tank top, playing video games.

Naruto's face flamed up, "Lina! Didn't you hear us knocking?!"

Lina's tongue stuck out slightly as she moved the PS2 controller to the left, her fingers working furiously at the buttons, "Uh-huh, knocking, busy." she muttered.

Naruto rolled his eyes, "Lina, I have to talk to you."

"Busy."

"But...Lina I have--"

"_BUSY_!!" she screeched, jerking the controller to the upper right, the buttons clicking in rhythm.

Naruto jerked but pressed on, "Lina, Sasuke is--"

"Hey, Naruto." she chimed.

Naruto tilted his head, "Uh, yeah?"

Her eyes were still glued to the screen, "Wanna hear a poem?"

Naruto's face brightened. He loved Lina's poetry, despite how...um..._headstrong_ she was, Lina was actually a very good writer, "Yeah! Sure!"

"Roses are red and violets are blue, SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I _PUNCH_ YOU!"

Naruto flinched. Well...should've seen _that_ coming.

"Lina, c'mon, it's important."

Lina growled and paused the game, "Look you little pail of piss, I'm playing Final Fantasy right now, whatever shit you need to say can wait."

"Actually--"

"Naruto, do you like your balls?"

Naruto stepped back, "Er...yes, I'm very attached to them." (A/N lol, get it? cuz they're _attached_? you know...cuz...they...he...well **I** thought it was funny damnit)

"Would you _still_ like them if they were chopped off and shoved in your mouth?"

Naruto paled, his hands flying over his crotch, "No, please don't! I'll wait! I'll wait!"

Lina snorted and went back to her game, "Little pussy." she muttered.

Suddenly, the screen went black.

Naruto raised a brow and looked to his side, finding Sasuke holding a plug. He handed it to Naruto, who took it with a curious expression, "What's...?" he traced the cord with his eyes to find that it connected with the game system that Lina had been playing.

He stared for a moment, before his eyes widened.

Oh. Shit.

He chanced a look at the girl.

Lina was sitting completely still, her eyes still on the black screen. And abruptly, her fingers spread out, dropping the controller so it clattered to the floor. Her head slowly turned to look at the two men, much like that little girl in "The Exorcist."

Naruto heard lightning in the distance and remembered the plug in his hand, which he quickly dropped.

Lina shot up from the couch.

"No!" he panicked, shoving a finger at Sasuke, "It was _him_! I swear! _He_ did it!"

Lina growled darkly and turned, stomping away into her kitchen.

Naruto spun to Sasuke and grabbed his shirt in both hands, shaking him violently back and forth, "YOU _**BASTARD**_! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! YOU'VE GOTTEN US BOTH _**KILLED**_! STOP SMILING! THIS ISN'T _**FUNNY**_! YOU ASSHOLE! STOP IT!"

Lina came back into the room and stood in front of Naruto with a very, VERY large fork in her hand.

"Bend over." she ordered.

"W-what?"

"BEND. OVER."

"Lina it was HIM! I swear!"

She didn't seem to care, "You like COCKS up your ass so much? Well let's see how much you enjoy having a FORK shoved up there!"

"No! Please!"

Lina lunged for him, making Naruto duck and cover himself, but she never connected with him, or, thank God, his ass.

He opened his eyes and looked up, seeing Sasuke with Lina's wrist in his hand and looking down at her with dark eyes.

His mouth fell open.

Lina was glaring at the dragon, "Who the hell do you think you are chicken butt?"

Sasuke smirked and jerked the fork out of her grasp, tossing it somewhere far away before he quickly caught her knee that had tried to make contact with his crotch.

He leaned down to her scowling face as Naruto watched with awe. Lina was being taken down!

"Please refrain from causing my master any actual injuries." he murmured.

Lina was seething, trying to remember where she had stuck her gun.

Naruto shook his head and pulled at Sasuke's shoulder, "Uh...let her go boy."

Sasuke glanced at him before gracelessly dropping Lina.

The girl stumbled and grit her teeth, "You're _dead_ emo prick." she muttered before turning to go for her gun.

"Lina wait!"

She stopped, looked back at him, "Your boyfriend has _disrespected_ me Naruto, he must die now."

Naruto jumped forward and took her arm, "Just give me three minutes and you'll forget about it, I promise."

Lina turned to him fully before glaring at the other man, then looked back at Naruto, "Make em' good."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**oh it's not as serious as I made it sound, notice this is HUMOR/Romance, not ANGST or DRAMA, no one's gonna get killed. but believe it or not, I am that scary. ESPECIALLY if you bother me during video game time, but I don't have a **_**gun, **_**of course not, that's crazy...cough cough.**

**I love how Naruto treats Sasuke like a dog, owning him. even though Sasuke's gonna fuck him eventually on a kitchen island with cake and whipped cream and...mmm...I mean--NO! damnit! I spoiled it! too bad we won't get there without reviews though.**


End file.
